Life

Saturday, July 14, 2007

today, tonight i actually bit the inside of my cheek till it bled...

well, u knoe what, it doesn't even matter... the pain i feel issn't from the bleeding nor the nerve cells around the area sending messages to the brain. The real pain is from something that i don't think even exist... The 'heart'... no no, it's not the pumping heart... it's not angina mind u... It's from this stupid fake heart which is actually the mind... issit? or in a more general term... the brain...

WEll whatever it is, i'm just so messed up... i feel like digging that horrible 'pain' from my chest out... i feel like ripping whatever is causing that clenching pain out and leave whatever organs which made it dripping with blood, on the floor infront of me... werid, i know but this stupid scene keeps playing itself in my head... maybe it's my biology knowledge overdose... or maybe i should be admitted into woodbridge... whatever it is... all i knoe is that i'm suffering... right now... here... and that is all that i care about now... about the pain...

------if only u knew------

Hate was never something i never wanted to practice... In fact, i think it's a very stupid and immature thing to do... It does not take whatever angry u have away, it actually adds on to it. And in the end, it's you who is suffering the most. Not the person u hate so so much.

What about an example...
One day Jack didn't respond to Jill's calls and some text messages. Jill started to hate Jack so much for ignoring her. She started to ignore him too, and pretended that she doesn't care. But in actual fact, she's hurting herself even more. Every time she sees him, this dying urge to talk to him comes about but because of 'hate', she forces herself to ignore Jack and walk past time like he doesn't exist. Jack, on the other hand suddenly realise Jill being so so cold to him. He is puzzled but because of her obvious attempt to ignore him, he concludes to himself that she hates him(unsure why cuz she never told him) and decides it would be best to leave her alone.
Jack and Jill's friendship began to draw apart and soon, they are no longer friends... Jack has moved on thinking Jill hates him and just accepted (after all, it's easier to accept when ur not the one at fault). However, poor Jill lives her life in misery and will always have the memory of Jack who has hurt her so much because... he ignored her. But the real question is, who really ignored who and who is to blame for the end of such a friendship?

The obvious answer is hatred.

Okay, so hatred is bad... it's stupid and dumb... but then... why do people do it... why why why...

Today... i actually convinced myself to hate this person... HATE... to be stupid and immature... to hate a person and end up slicing myself up on the inside... and the reason is... the uncontrollable feeling and thoughts... the mind had taken over and blinded everything i know. The inability to control such raging thoughts and the feelings or emotions it brings along causes people to turn to the most easiest solution. The fastest was to get rid of such emotions. To turn them all into angry... to hate.

lets talk about some other emotions...

"He/she has turned emo..."

oh how many times have i heard that sentence... emo has suddenly turn into a word of common everyday usage. And if i understood it properly, it means to be emotional... to be filled with emotions. To feel sad and miserable. or maybe PMS... So why are people suddenly telling others they are emotional??? Is it a fashion to be sad?

i just don't get it... Yes, i have tried using it before... using it as a term which with means " don't disturb me or i'll BREAK" or... " hello, i need your care and concern here!"... weird... and i ditched the idea of using it... Why?? It feels fake... shallow... and... let me put it in this way... why do i even want ppl to know if i'm sad. If i really need comfort, the people who really care, my true friends, my family or a super caring soul would pick it up. And if i can't stand it, there are always people who would be there to give me a listening ear. All these would help so much more than to get some shallow comfort which people might not even mean it.

"i'm so emo!"
"how come?"
"i donno, i'm just so emo!"
"ohh... don't be sad la. cheer up =)"

hmmmm... would the last sentence make u happy? cheer up... well, i donno about u, but if i was REALLY emo and REALLY so devestated, so sad, so choked up with emotions, it wouldn't for me. it would make me so much more frustrated. To know that he/she don't even knoe more problem, and to just say 'cheer up' like that... that person doesn't even care.

but for this case, i would totally appreciate it if the person at least try to understand the situation before saying any words of comfort... i donno about u, but to me, that shows that they care. The best, obviously would be to a good friend or a family member, who knoes u so well already, u can spill whatever's on your mind and not worry about anything.. shout, scream or even cry... that's the best way i would ever wanna tell someone i'm sad... and to get over it with with ease and somehow... it carries along relief and satisfaction ( to knoe that someone understand u better and that u are not alone, that u have someone who cares for u =D )

but that's the truth is i trust them in whatever they say and by telling me they are emotional over some small incident, it's like e person think that he/she can easily get care and concern. That just one flick of a finger can get he/her the attention they want. The pity, the sympathy. And deep care and concern... That disgust me

Well, i can also give words of comfort which i don't mean. " ah ya... things will get better la! " but then what would that make me... No longer a friend... more like just an image of a friend...

Maybe that's why i can't give much comfort to ppl i hardly know... why i suck at telling them things will get better and allowing them to feel better. Because i do not want to say things i don't really mean, and it wouldn't be nice to keep digging and trying to find the source of unhappiness when the person is already hurting. I just feel that i am not capable of making them feel better, of telling them things they wanna hear because it just wouldn't be right.

To lie to them so that them can feel better. That isn't the way things are suppose to be, cuz u'll really hurt the person more. By giving them false hope... By bringing them higher up and then when truth comes, there is no way u can save the person from falling so hard... it can seriously rip the person inside...

I wonder if anyone understands whatever i'm talking about.....

haha... anyways, i feel so much better after writing all these... =) yup and i think that's enough of my personal thoughts on things... =P

just one thing i have to add.
the one thing i wanted to write when i first opened this page for new post...

Illusions has made this mess. and feelings has complicated it.
Part of me crave for it, part of me detest it.
Part of me is drawn to him, part of me is holding me back
Part of me wants to let go, part of me wants to hold on
Part of me wished i never knew, part of me joyful to recognised
I want to laugh and i want to cry
I want to sing and i want to scream
i'm torn in between myself, i'm confused and lost
yet somehow i don't want this moment to change...
because i'm afraid of the wrong choice i would make...

i'm trying to hard to be
someone i never wanted to be

things arn't as simple as they are to me
cuz ur more than u are to me

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Mind me... i'l just bored...

Do u believe in luck?

Do u believe in fate?

Do u beieve in dreams?

Do u believe the horoscopes?

Do u believe in life after death?

Do u believe in love at first sight?

Do u believe in...

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From "The Holiday"

Iris: Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and suprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you.

Let U Go , ASHLEY PARKER ANGEL

remember when you came with me that night
We said forever, that you would never let me go
But here I am again
With nothing left inside
Know I don't wanna
But I gotta let you go

Behind These Hazel Eyes, KELLY CLARKSON

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...

Turn back time AQUA

If only I could turn back time

If only I had said what I still hide

If only I could turn back time..

I would stay for the night

With Love HILLARY DUFF

I don't mind you telling me
what's been on your mind lately
I don't mind you speaking up
I know sometimes I can be
all wrapped up and into me
I can be in such a rush

Cry, MANDY MOORE

I'll always remember
It was late afternoon
It lasted forever
And ended so soon (yea)

Everywhere- MICHELLE BRANCH
Turn it inside out so I can see
The part of you that's drifting over me
And when I wake you're never there
But when I sleep you're everywhere
You're everywhere

Just tell me how
I got this far
Just tell me why you're here and who you are
'Cause every time I look
you're never there
And every time I sleep
you're always there

4 in the morning GWEN STEFANI

Wakin up to find another day
The moon got lost again last night
now the sun has finally had it's say
I guess I feel alright

But it hurts when I think,
When I let it sink in
It's all over me I know you're here,
in the dark I'm watchin you sleep,
it hurts a lot

Truely, Madly Deeply
I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope, I'll be your love be everything that you need
I love you more with every breath truly madly deeply do
I will be strong I will be faithful '
cause I'm counting on

A new beginning.
A reason for living.
A deeper meaning.**

I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
until the sky falls down on me

And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish send it to heaven then make you want to cry
The tears of joy for all the pleasure in the certainty
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of
The highest powers. In lonely hours. The tears devour you

Better Than Me HINDER

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

hello...

long long time since i've updated... zzz...

well the good news is that i am 1 step closer to getting a new phone!!!! whoop! and maybe after that i'll start blogging more often cuz i finally can get pictures to upload!!!!

Start of school and everything went back to normal... Got a change of time table which really sucks!!! Chem in the MORNING la! 2 days... wed n fri... ZZZzzz... Cannot help but fall asleep!.

And Geo and SS BOTH on thurs!!! How wonderful, get to see mdm rozy SO often in one day... haiz...

And our wonderful slack fri is gone too... SIGH... Cannot slack after recess le.. A math lar! No choice but must listen... Humpf...

Recently... Went for the closing ceremony which was sortta last min decision to go... Thus... i had to PAY for the tickets only to find out later how much free tickets others still have... ZzzZZZz...

Well, it was my FIRST football match, and i have to confess, i'm not a fan of football. But it was a gd experience i guess. The guys behind me kept shouting funny comments and Rachel was great at explaining the game to me.. hehe. Yup...so i did enjoy myself there. ^^ thanks ian 4 getting lost with us trying to find KFC.. lol!!

What next... netball... ahhhh, i cannot get any worse!!! Seriously i think i'm losing interest in netball... Maybe is my lack of attending trng.. Maybe it's mrs KOH... Or bok... And i've been changed to DEFENCE... HAIZ... i just don't enjoy it anymore... sighhh....

Not to mention, i got a scolding from the dear Mrs Koh for nt attending holz trng when i had valid reasons and even brought my PASSPORT to show her... -_-... Why must she be in charge of netball! I want Mrs Chen back!!!! zzz... Mrs koh even took all the netball key and only gave one to Bridget lar... How to practice shooting or passes without the key??? Ahhh, she's making life hard for us...

HAIZ...

okay... that's about it... Been rather busy since then... with piano exams coming... and tests... Well, finally i get to slack today. ^^

Went to 'help out' actually more like watch the tk sailors at the beach... I wanna learn how to sail!!! haha.. sadly i know i don't haf time to start a new sport like that... hmmmm... maybe in the holidays... ^^. Rachel having competition tmr... Jia you!!!

Oh.. yughan's sick!!! poor thing... got fever... Hope he gets better!!! it weird in sch without him bugging me!!! =x

Now for PHONE SHOPPING... lol

considering 2 phones!

N73 music edition

3.2 megapixel camera with Carl Zeiss optics
Large, bright 2.4-inch display
Stereo FM and support for Visual Radio
Advanced auto-focus and mechanical shutter
Integrated 3-D stereo speakers

Samsung 10.9mm ( So pretty)

3.2 Megapixel Camera
(Half Shutter, Auto Focus, Flash)
Video Recording (MPEG4, H.263)
Music Player (MP3, AAC, AAC+, e-AAC+, WMA)
Bluetooth v2.0, USB 2.0 (H/S)
FM Radio (RDS)

Well, i knoe n73 has more functions... and the camera is SO much better.. 20x focus... but it's heavy... hmmmm... And obviously samsung phone looks so much better.. haiz... comments?