| Saturday, July 14, 2007 |
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today, tonight i actually bit the inside of my cheek till it bled... well, u knoe what, it doesn't even matter... the pain i feel issn't from the bleeding nor the nerve cells around the area sending messages to the brain. The real pain is from something that i don't think even exist... The 'heart'... no no, it's not the pumping heart... it's not angina mind u... It's from this stupid fake heart which is actually the mind... issit? or in a more general term... the brain... WEll whatever it is, i'm just so messed up... i feel like digging that horrible 'pain' from my chest out... i feel like ripping whatever is causing that clenching pain out and leave whatever organs which made it dripping with blood, on the floor infront of me... werid, i know but this stupid scene keeps playing itself in my head... maybe it's my biology knowledge overdose... or maybe i should be admitted into woodbridge... whatever it is... all i knoe is that i'm suffering... right now... here... and that is all that i care about now... about the pain... ------if only u knew------ Hate was never something i never wanted to practice... In fact, i think it's a very stupid and immature thing to do... It does not take whatever angry u have away, it actually adds on to it. And in the end, it's you who is suffering the most. Not the person u hate so so much. What about an example... One day Jack didn't respond to Jill's calls and some text messages. Jill started to hate Jack so much for ignoring her. She started to ignore him too, and pretended that she doesn't care. But in actual fact, she's hurting herself even more. Every time she sees him, this dying urge to talk to him comes about but because of 'hate', she forces herself to ignore Jack and walk past time like he doesn't exist. Jack, on the other hand suddenly realise Jill being so so cold to him. He is puzzled but because of her obvious attempt to ignore him, he concludes to himself that she hates him(unsure why cuz she never told him) and decides it would be best to leave her alone. Jack and Jill's friendship began to draw apart and soon, they are no longer friends... Jack has moved on thinking Jill hates him and just accepted (after all, it's easier to accept when ur not the one at fault). However, poor Jill lives her life in misery and will always have the memory of Jack who has hurt her so much because... he ignored her. But the real question is, who really ignored who and who is to blame for the end of such a friendship? The obvious answer is hatred. Okay, so hatred is bad... it's stupid and dumb... but then... why do people do it... why why why... Today... i actually convinced myself to hate this person... HATE... to be stupid and immature... to hate a person and end up slicing myself up on the inside... and the reason is... the uncontrollable feeling and thoughts... the mind had taken over and blinded everything i know. The inability to control such raging thoughts and the feelings or emotions it brings along causes people to turn to the most easiest solution. The fastest was to get rid of such emotions. To turn them all into angry... to hate. lets talk about some other emotions... "He/she has turned emo..." oh how many times have i heard that sentence... emo has suddenly turn into a word of common everyday usage. And if i understood it properly, it means to be emotional... to be filled with emotions. To feel sad and miserable. or maybe PMS... So why are people suddenly telling others they are emotional??? Is it a fashion to be sad? i just don't get it... Yes, i have tried using it before... using it as a term which with means " don't disturb me or i'll BREAK" or... " hello, i need your care and concern here!"... weird... and i ditched the idea of using it... Why?? It feels fake... shallow... and... let me put it in this way... why do i even want ppl to know if i'm sad. If i really need comfort, the people who really care, my true friends, my family or a super caring soul would pick it up. And if i can't stand it, there are always people who would be there to give me a listening ear. All these would help so much more than to get some shallow comfort which people might not even mean it. "i'm so emo!" "how come?" "i donno, i'm just so emo!" "ohh... don't be sad la. cheer up =)" hmmmm... would the last sentence make u happy? cheer up... well, i donno about u, but if i was REALLY emo and REALLY so devestated, so sad, so choked up with emotions, it wouldn't for me. it would make me so much more frustrated. To know that he/she don't even knoe more problem, and to just say 'cheer up' like that... that person doesn't even care. but for this case, i would totally appreciate it if the person at least try to understand the situation before saying any words of comfort... i donno about u, but to me, that shows that they care. The best, obviously would be to a good friend or a family member, who knoes u so well already, u can spill whatever's on your mind and not worry about anything.. shout, scream or even cry... that's the best way i would ever wanna tell someone i'm sad... and to get over it with with ease and somehow... it carries along relief and satisfaction ( to knoe that someone understand u better and that u are not alone, that u have someone who cares for u =D ) but that's the truth is i trust them in whatever they say and by telling me they are emotional over some small incident, it's like e person think that he/she can easily get care and concern. That just one flick of a finger can get he/her the attention they want. The pity, the sympathy. And deep care and concern... That disgust me Well, i can also give words of comfort which i don't mean. " ah ya... things will get better la! " but then what would that make me... No longer a friend... more like just an image of a friend... Maybe that's why i can't give much comfort to ppl i hardly know... why i suck at telling them things will get better and allowing them to feel better. Because i do not want to say things i don't really mean, and it wouldn't be nice to keep digging and trying to find the source of unhappiness when the person is already hurting. I just feel that i am not capable of making them feel better, of telling them things they wanna hear because it just wouldn't be right. To lie to them so that them can feel better. That isn't the way things are suppose to be, cuz u'll really hurt the person more. By giving them false hope... By bringing them higher up and then when truth comes, there is no way u can save the person from falling so hard... it can seriously rip the person inside... I wonder if anyone understands whatever i'm talking about..... haha... anyways, i feel so much better after writing all these... =) yup and i think that's enough of my personal thoughts on things... =P just one thing i have to add. the one thing i wanted to write when i first opened this page for new post... Illusions has made this mess. and feelings has complicated it. Part of me crave for it, part of me detest it. Part of me is drawn to him, part of me is holding me back Part of me wants to let go, part of me wants to hold on Part of me wished i never knew, part of me joyful to recognised I want to laugh and i want to cry I want to sing and i want to scream i'm torn in between myself, i'm confused and lost yet somehow i don't want this moment to change... because i'm afraid of the wrong choice i would make... i'm trying to hard to be someone i never wanted to be things arn't as simple as they are to me cuz ur more than u are to me |