Life

Friday, October 12, 2007

hey ya! 2 days into the short holiday after the finals and i'm ALREADY feeling so BORED.... lol... too used to being choked up with stuff to do, subjects to study and wrestling with time to squeeze out every single second i can get. lol... well, now i am just simply staring at the clock, observing how slowly the hands ticks... hmmmm.....
Have to admit it feels SO weird knowing u have nothing to do... oh gosh, so aimless now. well, i can't stand it anymore. Having simply nothing to do is a torture... Esp when u just got used to the examination-crazy-mugging period.

Well, now i'm gonna give myself somethings to work one. hehe... Firstly i think i'm gonna help my dearest mother in coaching my brother. If u all don't know, my dear brother issn't doing very well in his studies... In fact, he is actually very near to failing most subject EXCEPT science... lol... he's talented in science... just like his SISTER. lol... genes. Anyway, my brother is rather problematic. Perhaps he's still young la, but he doesn't care about his grades at all. My mom got so irritated with him that she complained a whole lot to me... Now that my exams are over, i think that it's my responsibility to help... yup... can start on the help-brother-pass plan now. lol... hopefully i still remember whatever i have learnt in pri sch... perhaps i'll go read up =) STUDY!!!

Now another think i want to do... hmmmm, i want a pet... No wait, i NEED a pet. Haiz... been feeling so empty for the last 3 week... gosh... 3 week... sigh... perhaps i'll explain here...
3 weeks ago... on the 21 of September... i sobbed my heart out.... ='( The reason? My cat died... haiz... my darling cat died... sob... i only realised it in the afternoon, when i got back from school. Indeed i found it quite weird to not find my cat at the doorway before i left for school that morning... but because i was late, i didn't let it bother me in school. When i came home, sat in the living room and did some a math hw... I was expecting my cat to appear some time soon and meow for my attention, but he never did. Instead, my mom came home and she suddenly rushed in the house, look at me with a frantic expression and broke the news... "jamie, kitty died."
At first i couldn't really grasp what she was talking about. I think i stoned there for quite sometime. It was long enough for my mom to change her expression from frantic to sympathy. Then she explained to me that my neighbour informed her about seeing a cat on the ROAD that morning, and my mom found the body later at the grass patch nearby...
And i just sat there... pen still in my hand... calculator still at "sin- 0.845", glaring up at my, demanding that i pressed the equal sign to reveal the secret degree which would be the answer of question 2c, a-math worksheet.... but no, i wasn't think about a-math. i couldn't be bothered about anything now. Everything seemed to actually slow down... either that or i sat there for a really really long time... Then my sight of the plain white wall in front of me blurred and the pain finally sat in... grief... my cat is dead... my cat is DEAD...

What followed was something i didn't want to be a part of. i just sat at the same seat, but this time i wasn't a statue.. i was a crying mess. i didn't want to, nor did i dare to go out and see my cat's body... he got ran over by a CAR... whatever my cat looked like now, i don't wanna know... i couldn't bare to even think of it... i let my mom and my maid take care of it... while i sobbed my heart out... while i let reality sink in... that my cat is no longer breathing... that he's gone... that my beloved cat... is dead.

Haiz... 3 week... 3 weeks of greif and anger... i blamed that idiot driver who knocked my cat down... i blamed him for being so damn it BLIND. i blamed him for driving so fast... hello, it's a SMALL road! how can anyone be driving fast enough to not see a cat and RUN over it... wth... then i blamed my family... for not letting my cat in the HOUSE. damn it... what is wrong with a cat in the house! The main person to blame... my grandma.. she and her dumb analogy... she would always say that my cat is dirty... dowan the cat in the house... But if u think about it... won't the cat be cleaner if u kept it INSIDE! wth... leaving my cat outside would only lead to this. it was obvious... roads and cars... wth...

Then i blamed myself... for not taking good care of my cat... not enough to protect him... ='( For not panicking when i realised he wasn't there in the morning... i should have insisted that my cat should be allow in the house... i should have... i should have at least done SOMETHING! i could have prevented the death of my cat... my darling kitty cat... =(
Haiz... then i realised that there was no use getting angry. it ain't helping me... Slowly i was letting go... slowly... very slowly...

Gosh... that 3 weeks was horrible... Esp when i forgot the fact that my cat is dead, and run to the door and shout him name... Right after i shouted "kitty", to let the series of compression and rarefraction travel thru the air and disturb the tranquility outside my house... that heart ripping fact hits me right in the face... That feeling of remembering it again.. haiz... it just hurts so much... the first few time it felt like i was going to crumble... Loss control of myself and start sobbing again... it just... hurts... too much to bear...

well, 3 weeks has passes and i guess i have learn to let go... move on... i still miss my cat... there is still this emptiness inside of me... a void in my heart... however one fact still remains.. i need a pet. i really do. i feel so empty without one... and now i really really need one. With all these time... i cannot ignore the emptiness in my heart anymore... i cannot fill it with things have to do. i cannot mask it with the importance of the finals... and i can no longer find anything to occupy my time to stop me from thinking about the pain.. about my cat... and the emptiness...

okay... enough of the emo stuff... now the plan and goals... after talking to my mom and my brother... i realised that they wanted a DOG. lol... i would prefer a cat, no doubt... but then again... the same problem would occur again and i WILL NEVER ever let another life be consumed by the roads and the mechanical moving JUNK....

At least a dog would stay in.... at least there would be a smaller risk of getting ran down by a car... However, i am aware of the commitment and time needed to keep a dog... Obviously it would be much more than a cat.... A dog needs attention. He would need much more love and affection. Much more time and care... There is a whole list of things one have to do... A long long list...not to mention my Os are next year...

Another problem is my GRANDMOTHER. yea she hates all animals. She's the typical grandmother who would scream at her YOUNG grandchild for touching any animal and never stop rambling on about how dirty they are and try to scare u by saying they are dangerous and would BITE you. -_-

Thank GOD that i have my mother... My mom loves animals and gave me the exposure i need to understand animals... That gave me a different mindset to these creatures sharing the same living planet with us... To have a fair judgement... After all, i believe that one should always give everything a chance. To give it a try. You never know till you try. It issn't good to always listen to what ppl say. You gotta experience it yourself...

I always hate it when i hear mothers telling their child that animals are DANGEROUS and that they should NEVER touch it or smt... Yea, like a little puppy will kill you... ERMM... perhaps on a more fair note... one cannot get too close to a stray animal. yes, i agree, but if u were to see my aunt and my grandmother... The message the convey is totally different. They teach children one shouldn't be near to ANY animal in one's life time... LOL... sad life... zzz

oh gosh, i got carried away... ANYWAY, back to point. My grandma is scared of dogs and i think she will hate the idea of having one in the house. She seemed happy my cat is no longer here... -_- i'll try talk to her SOON. i'm sure there is a way to get her to agree... hehe.... i'll work my SPELL! =P
Then my dad would be another problem... haiz... gotta work my way around him... Assure him and everything... ah yerrr....
At least 2 out of 5 ppl support me... i wonder what my grandfather would say...

Alright...2 new stuff to work on... yup... huge long term plans... new goals to achieve. =) yup yup... anyways, time to go tutor my brother MATH! whoop! see ya!

**i just cannot believe i got what i had wished for... yet now i can't help but wonder... do i really want it NOW?
tempted to do something i never though i would do.. tempted... just tempted...